Everyone has a book inside of them – right ..

I have always wanted to write a book which is of two times i.e. the future and the past and the clash between the different generations but I have never had enough time to fit it in, or just seemed never to be able to get past a few paragraphs despite trying…

Here’s something I knocked up in five minutes…  not checked so sorry about any spellings or grammar…

Set in 1930, six years before Erris’s death at the age of 46, a quaint English town on the outskirts of London. A grand magnificent Church together with a grand magnificent congregation. Erris a single mother of three children is snubbed and dies a rather sudden lonely unexpected death. Due to this her spirit is unable to pass over onto the other side and she is left in limbo and suffers until she sees in the late 1980’s a woman with the same eyes as her experiencing the same issues and from beyond she reaches out showing Alicia signs that she can read that spiritually help her through the maze. It is only on delivering her through this that Erris is able to pass over peacefully but not without one last dig to the new generation of the old families that dealt her the same fate. All that she does to help Alicia comes with Gods blessing and this blessing heals both her and Alicia and breaks the power of those who wish her harm.

Erris Beck Ridley.
This is the last Will and Testament of I, Erris Beck Ridley and I give devise and bequeath all my estate not hereby or by any codicil hereto to my children the said Aristo Blyth Ridley, Charter Boyd Ridley and Gracia Annabella Ridley of the address hereto aforementioned to be split between them in equal shares per stripes provided that each one survives me for more than 28 days failing which to any children they may have on the date of my death.

I give devise and bequeath to my children’s fathers the principal sum of £20.00 as a token of my appreciation for the magnificent gift of my children’s lives that they have bestowed upon me.

I request that my Grand Upright Piano goes to my first born son Aristo, my silverware to my second born son Charter and all my jewellery and other belongings to my beautiful daughter Gracia.

I request that I am buried in the shady spot underneath the tree in St Christopher’s Church yard and that a placard is written upon and placed upon the wall of the Church as follows :-

“In loving memory of Erris Beck Ridley,
Daughter of Major Timothy Boyd Wilson Ridley and Mrs Millicent Henshaw Ridley the daughter of the Late Reverend Barnard-Fawkes of this Church.

The souls of the righteous are in the hands of God

Blessed as a mother and blessed with the gift of being able to acknowledge not only her own pain but that of others.

A virtuous woman whose only downfall was to have been born at the wrong time”

Passing over the inked page of beautiful writing Erris turned towards old Burrnip the local Solicitor, and “make sure it’s a grand placard as well Burrnip, I may as well leave a reminder of me on the walls, I want it to be of the best quality, gold with all the intrinsicate trimmings, for they will not believe after I die that I would be capable of leaving such a thing but I want them to know that my family and I are of good stock so that all that tainted stuff they managed to rub off on me doesn’t rub off on my children”

Burrnip wasn’t really listening, it was his way of doing things, almost like you were actually just inconveniencing him by being there, without him having any thought for the fact that you were paying him or maybe it was just the way he concentrated either way Erris continued to talk well why not, it wasn’t cheap seeing him and he always took for the full hour even if you only saw him for half of it.

“Listen Burrnip, promise me when I’m gone, that’s if of course I go before you that you make sure those people, you know the ones, don’t get hold of my daughter quite like they did me. I would hate anyone let alone her go through the same as me, I’m still trying to get over it and it has left me rather without myself of late as I am so distracted into thinking bad thoughts and one can’t help it especially as she is born out of wedlock her future may in fact end up worse than what mine did and I was born of the church and in the proper way. I couldn’t bear the thought of it I really couldn’t, will you promise me that the mere hint of it you will sue them all for even thinking they could get away with it again?”

“I’m not sure that will even be necessary, Erris you know that the new Vicar has spoken with the congregation on very stern terms that you are part of the foundations of this church and nothing more and nothing less, your father was a good man he never deserved to be treated the way he was, they would not even go there with the children, God is your strength and you must trust him”.

“There are many on your side, it was just a couple of women who caused this, they would not dare step out of line with the children” he continued as his eyes drifted off towards the ceiling,

“I’d quite like you to put a post script at the end of the placard Burrnip something along the lines of “Ps Erris Beck Ridley was not a tart”. Erris said in a very pedantic way. “Let those church bells ring out across the town as well on the day so loudly they all choke upon their afternoon tea” she garbled on.

Burrnip just ignored all her idle chatter, he had known her for too long to be even bothered to listen to her but occasionally he would give a small nod, just so she thought he as engaging with her, he suddenly brought down his little silver hammer and lifted it up to reveal a beautiful red seal alongside her signature. “Right now just a couple of queries, are you sure you want to leave the large sums to the two fathers? I mean if you do, you will have to leave a record of who they are” he drifted off.

“I’m not ashamed of this Burrnip but I don’t want it written into records, I’m sure those who know will be able to discretely deliver it” she finished as she watched him pack away his desk and almost give her the shoo sign, her time was clearly up and now she opened her small purse and took out his payment and left it on his desk, as she said her goodbyes and scurried off out of the office and down the beautiful Church Lane through the Church Gate and past her designated spot in the graveyard, passed the bench she often sat on as a child.

She often felt a warm sense of security walking through the Church Yard a presence of her parents whom had been the ones to have really bore the brunt of her life, it was tragic really almost choked her at the thought of the misery that had been caused to them, the way they had to suffer her consequences quite the way they did made them better than those who were delivering it and she knew that despite the pain there was a deeper understanding that she would carry with her for the rest of her life and onwards that was a pride that despite it all she never gave up in fact even in her lowest of lowest ebbs she refused to, even when inside her heart was torn. For that in itself was something that no one else would of been able to do in spite of it all.

If it hadn’t of been for all those years she may not have survived it, Erris was pretty sure they’d be some sort of damage inside but as of yet it hadn’t materialised although there were many times when she felt it shoot through her like a peculiar feeling something she just couldn’t shake off, it was almost like a whole world had rested on her shoulders and the sheer magnitude of the weight was crippling her bones inside her body and her memories of her parents crippled her to. If only these people would of really understood the effect of the damage they’d spun out upon her and her life. Where they’d been able to continue it from the safety of their own homes and husbands, how frightfully lonely her whole life had been which had caused the issues in the beginning, how foolish those were whom had destroyed a woman without any thought of the pain they’d been part of causing, how they themselves slept with the pain of someone else within them and of their doing was beyond her. It was not something she could ever have done to anyone it was not part of her character to be the same and for that she could only thank the Lord, and to forgive and show a deeper understanding that for someone to be so nasty towards another and to stop another from flourishing in this life what a horrible time they must be having themselves to inflict on another such pain.

It never would go away the pain, it was like a mourning feeling almost like a loss of the child that you once were and Erris had lived with it every single day. All the should’s and should nots, all the woulds and would nots, the could’s and could nots it never left her but it also gave her a steely determination to believe the better people in the town wouldn’t allow it to continue and true as if a blessing came, one woman touched out in a knowing way and that was the start of Erris’s healing. It didn’t matter at that stage that it happened it only mattered that someone else had finally after all those years acknowledged it and that acknowledgement just took it away.

For it has been a rentless battle of silent despair, those who’d sought refuge inside the town had relentlessly shoved Erris into a world of decayed existence and it was only with the grace of God that she’d survived through all the different classes until she’d finally been brought to peace.  She had been spun out into the country villages and they were even worse, there just did not seem to be a place for Erris, it was like she was in no-man’s land and was displaced from the place that she used to call home.  The Church was not the fault it was the people…..

 

If you have got this far, what did you think ?

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Edelweiss …

So my best friend was from Switzerland and so I have been looking for the flower Edelweiss to incorporate into her wreath.  I still can’t believe that she has gone and that in her final days she was talking only of my future.  I mean that has truly blown me away that there she was leaving this world and all she could think about is what I was going to do with my future and my children’s future.  That is something really truly magnificent that she can be so thoughtful towards others as she leaves.

I think that is the most humbling thing of our friendship, it was reciprocal and we seemed to just hit the right balance.  That is what is great about somethings in this life.  They always surprise you when it finally makes sense.  She would tell me if I had eaten too much but she never offended, never.  I say that because towards the end her carer had tried to make out she was difficult saying things like she was not a true christian, yet this lady, my friend had been the only true christian that I had ever met so something didn’t quite add up and she told me that she felt that they were trying to turn people against her, and that still hurts to know that even in her final hours, she had to fight others.  She was never not a christian and she was not anything that was said about her.  I’d like to see what any of us would be like on our last moments on this earth.  I am sure I will be far worse and what hurts the most is that she was not at peace towards the end because she had been restless her whole life and I guess sometimes that is what happens to people when they have had to deal with judgments of others, it’s like a personal fight nothing to do with the other person it is they way in which they have been able to see the truth.  There was no way that anyone would turn me against her.  I just wish so much that I had been there at the end to reassure her that actually she was the greatest person that I could ever have imagined to have had in my life.  I have been so deeply privileged to have known her.

That is the thing though when you cannot hear what is being said about you, you cannot call it out or you cannot argue because you don’t know. There she was upstairs and there was I saying to the carer that this lady was leaving the earth and that whatever she was saying was not directed at her but she was clearly in pain and that is what happens to a human if for some unnatural reason she has not been able to clear up issues in her life.  I feel so sad that she was alone, I feel so sad that even though she had spent the second half of her life on her own that we had not been there.  I would of told her that she didn’t need to worry anymore, and that no matter what I believed every word that she muttered.  She was so wise and she knew exactly what I was thinking as I did her and it was such a strange friendship that I really miss her and I miss her little feet…

I hope God has given her the rights to Heaven and I hope that she is at peace..

There is a little bit of Switzerland missing in the road tonight…

IMG_0346Well there is a little bit of Switzerland missing from the Road tonight as my best friend and absolute rock passed away in the early hours of the morning.  She certainly for a little lady was as strong as edelweiss and had weathered many storms.  I had not really noticed her at first but one day as I walked passed we started to talk.  A sturdy tiny lady with a little bit of white hair and that was that.  For some reason, she knew exactly how I felt about things and she always read my mind. She was the truth that I had been missing and that truth was exactly what I needed in my life at that time.

She introduced me to politics, she introduced me to the class system that was still very much alive and she told me all about her life.  She was understanding and she knew how it felt to be me.  She was able to clarify everything that I felt almost like she knew me better than I knew myself and that was because she had been me once.  She had felt exactly the same as what I was feeling right now and what was interesting is she was 40 years older than me but she still could remember everything about the feelings that I was going through when I was going through them and she was able to valid the feelings I had as real.  I would pop and see her and she would talk and we would both talk and she would tell me things about my life that seemed to align with her own but what she did tell me I could see already and she gave me the strength to challenge things that didn’t feel right and to not be scared to tell people what I thought they were doing.  She gave me the confidence to call out the people who had wanted to put me down.  She was one of the best people who had crossed my path and she grounded me and stopped me from continuing a life without any purpose.  She gave me purpose and the reason why she gave me purpose was because we were both the same and whatever it was we were battling we felt the same about it and that brought together a brand new concept because before I had only been battling it myself but now behind me was this woman, who was so small but so strong.

Always worried about me and my children, always ready to listen and go through it with me.  Always understanding and that is something in this day and age, for it is usually a gift to be able to understand someone else’s pain.  I acknowledged my own feelings when I was with her and she acknowledged hers.  She will remain with me forever even though she has now gone and all day today I have missed her.

The saddest thing about somebody dying is the fact that they are gone. No longer will her voice be heard on this earth, her opinion, her ways of doing things. I have lost someone very very precious and so have her children.   Both of them doing well for themselves and I am so pleased that she got that right because that is what we would talk about and the pride would brim out of her.  She did all the right fights whereas I was just doing all the wrong ones.  She was incredible and I really did not think that I would miss her quite as much as I do.  It was like the first time in my life I found a friend.

Towards the end watching her in pain was crippling and hurt so much that I could not watch it anymore. For she believed that she deserved the pain that was put upon her and I cry now for she did not deserve it and she did not deserve to feel that way.   She was a human and a beautiful human that had sat fairly lonely since her husband had died like there was always something missing.  All the people who live with something missing will be able to tell you that alone is a weight in punishment that no one should have to live with.  She was very simple and not extravagant.  She was just her and that was what I liked about her and I think she liked that about me to.

She said things to me that I could also see.  I cannot believe she is gone.  I cannot believe that she is gone.

We’re going to the Zoo, you can come toooooo…

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So we went to Chessington World of Adventures and having brought the ticket on an independent website, (in a rush) we planned to go yesterday. And boy what a day, it rained for what felt like absolutely hours and hours, we were soaked and my youngest was grouchy (I don’t blame him). I went on the Vampire ride that I last went on twenty years ago and nearly wet myself at how fast it now felt compared to back when I was younger, and all in all the only moment of slight relief to an otherwise soggy stinky day (I say stinky because due to the wetness the toilets were) was the promise that if there is over an hour of rain on a prebooked ticket you get free entry back into the park on another day, they must realise what an absolute downer the rain can be to their theme park.

So having thought all is not lost, as wet as a drowned rat I approach Customer Services …. ✔️ Rain for over an hour ✔️Prebooked tickets ✖️ Unfortunately not on their website ….. dang dang dang …

#unluckiest person alive but we did enjoy the animals ❤️

Perfectly (un)done …

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Ok, I admit I sometimes don’t parent as much as I should but half the time that’s because I’m in total shock over my unconventional fight for a family life that I’ve had to lead and constantly feel detached from the family I made as a consequence of discovering why the fight was real and hard.

Having not grown up in a local situation being forced into one at an early age and trying to be part of one for the majority of my life has definitely highlighted the fact I’ve been in the wrong place for the most of it. Now that wouldn’t ordinarily be an issue but I felt that after all these years at least my family would #belong. Having started off at the local nursery and then through to the rest of the schools I was quite shocked by the fact that actually nothing seems to stick with them, the friends they do have certainly my son are not great and my daughter seems to be stuck between two local groups much the same as I was and so all these years later I am starting to wonder whether I’m failing my children by leaving them in a Local Bubble or whether society is failing our children having created the Local Bubble in the first instance.

And I’ve looked at myself for years and years wondering whether in fact it is me., and now they don’t fit in I’m starting to wonder if it is them but considering they haven’t done anything wrong yet then I’ve come to the conclusion that whatever your skin, wherever you come from infiltrating the groups that have formed in the U.K. is useless as any attempt at penetrating them is pushed back and a big wall is built up further for the next generation.

And so, what do you do with your hormonal fused teenagers that are not soaking in their local environment, do you thrust them out into it and hope they swim or do you remove them as you remind yourself of the 40 years of sinking you yourself have just been through?

See it’s quite easy to punish yourself over not fitting in and I did that too the point that I tried so hard to fit in, in the end I was so far away from my own personality that I stuck out like a sore thumb and even trying to be like them was so alien that they sussed me out straight away and I was brushed off every time leaving me a fairly lonely teenager through to adulthood and even now.

Or do I explain to them that we have a massive issue with local people and that they shouldn’t get involved and design their life for a future of perhaps not fitting in and being as isolated as I was or do I knowing full well how these people work leave it for them to struggle through. Now I’m sure if it hadn’t taken me 40 odd years to get out of the woods, leaving them to their own devices would of been the better option and perhaps I’d never have experienced how thick the woods is but having now seen how prepared these people are at manipulating situations to make you look bad, I’ve become an expert and already watching them in action with my son, I wonder what to do.

Now he’s probably no angel and I get that but he has not been raised to be anything but a nice kid. Now I’m not sure what these boys get up to in their home life but some of them do appear to come from quite well off families yet act like absolute animals and this is rubbing off on my son who spends most of his time grunting and stuck to the computer like it’s his life line and the rubbish that is being put on this computer by his friends sets me reeling everytime I go in his room, but anxious not to get too meddled in his life I wonder how the best way forward would be I mean I cannot isolate him at this age as much as I’d like to and I’d hope that he would manage to work it out for himself but teenagers don’t they just think what they are surrounded by is normal however on reading the chat thread they are on I can see with adult eyes how extremely abnormal it is and whilst my knee jerk reaction would be to pull him out of Secondary School which is quite frankly the worse place in this country, I fear to do so would create more issues than leaving him there for the last year of his schooling in the hope that he actually survives it.

I’d love to see him see what they are doing to him but as a child your capability to assess others motives is based upon your own character. I’d never dream of doing what my old friends did to me to anyone else so I never believed they were capable of doing what they were doing and how horrendously calculated it was and he’d be exactly the same as me when it came to it as he is my son.

And no doubt having got away with it for so long with me, why wouldn’t they start all over again, I mean they did with my daughter but she could see it coming a mile off … so why can’t he?

Why can’t he see how he is being encouraged by these kids? Why can’t he break away from it and concentrate on his future ? What is it I need to do to break this heinous cycle. Why does it leave me in a state of paralysis because I can see it come and so why can’t I duck. Do I have to put up with watching my children’s lives being eaten alive by these people for another 40 years ? Why aren’t we doing something in this country to get into the local areas and break it up ?

What is this about?

Teamsport #teamsportfun

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Today we went Go karting at a fab new place just down the road and whilst it wasn’t too bad price wise it’s always the refreshments that get you, I’m sure if these places charged less they’d sell more and everyone would be happy.

Anyway, that didn’t override the fact that the place was so well organised and all the kids had a fab time.

Go again – you bet !

#teamsportfun